Heaven is the Head... (Chapter II)

(If you haven't read it yet, please read Chapter I of this rant)

Peace be with you.

Seriously! Peace be with you.

I've been accused of being something of a micro manager and control freak in the past. And, while this used to be true, I think I've made significant strides in letting the little things go over the past, oh...4,324 years, give or take. Sure, there have been fits and starts since The Flood wherein I've been more hands-on than I'd like to be but, for the most part, I've been pretty laissez-faire about dealing with the minutiae of this creation. What I intelligently designed is a finely tuned machine that is irreducibly complex. So it should pretty much run on its own with very little divine intervention from Me, right?

NO, I say to thee! It wasn't intelligently designed to function in the absence of Me. Without My, albeit periodic, divine intervention and your undying faith in My works and/or fear of the LAKE OF FIRE this creation will deteriorate into chaos, immorality and golden statues.

Trust Me. I've seen it happen. I then peed on it for 40 days and 40 nights. You don't want that! It's...not...PRETTY!

But really...that's all it needs. Faith and/or fear. That's why I wrote the Holy Scripture. I wrote it so you would have a corporeal guide and I can step back and marvel at everything I've intelligently designed in peace without having to come running every time someone stubs their toe and screams, "God DAMMIT!"

Little known faith: That's why I wrote the Second (or Third, depending on your...whatever...I can hardly keep track) Commandment. See...every time you call on Me, I gotta be there. I hafta. So when you stub your toe and damn it in My name, I'm there instantly ready to damn your toe to eternal hellfire because you were stupid enough to pop it on the leg of your coffee table.

Now...I'm a busy Guy. Sometimes you people have a tendency to call on Me when you do something as stupid as stub your toe. I'm too busy for that ass-holery. Yeah...I said ass. I can curse. You can't. I'm God. You're My intelligent design. Start speaking like you're intelligent and STOP USING MY NAME IN VAIN!!!

And stop coveting your neighbor's ass!

You really have no idea just how difficult My job is. You think you might but, honestly, your four-dimensional minds have no capacity for conceiving, let alone understanding, eternity. That's why I intelligently designed for you faith. You don't need to think or conceive. You can just let Me do all the thinking and conceiving for you. Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that perfect?

And yet, every now and then, I'm forced to drop everything I'm doing and march down to your puny level just because you need a little something more than just faith. And, in faith, I'm kinda getting sick of it.

Yeah...look. I'm tired. I'm kinda venting, I know. It's just that I'm supposed to be on My vacation and I...I need you to understand that everything there is, everything you desire, is right there in the Bible (or the Qur'an, if you're one of those types...or the Torah if you want the CliffsNotes). I'm not kidding! I wrote those books for a reason! Are you, like, illiterate or something? It's all...right...there.

So why in God's name are you pestering Me so diligently, on My vacation I might add, with all these severe and honest requests for deliverance from evil? I swear (not just the ass swearing...but honest-to-goodness swearing) I haven't had this many prayers since ass-clown died for your sins!

And I set up a freaking FILTER!

Look...here it is: I don't want to get all micro management on y'all, but I will if I have to. All I really want is to enjoy Myself down here in Sarasota. But if you really think it's all that bad...if you really think it sucks this much to be alive...I'll shake'n'bake this creation so quick, you won't even be able to finish the thought, "...and I helped- OH GOD! MY FACE! IT'S MELTING OFF!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING!!!! BUT IT IS!!! IT'S MEL-"

And then you'll be dead, in My realm, where I will judge you and cast you into an eternal LAKE OF FIRE because you broke the Second (or Third) Commandment just before you died.

Dumb ass!

Seriously, stop praying for now. As I've mentioned a couple of times before, your prayers are My food. But right now, "...My cup runneth over" with your tedious crap.

Lift up your hearts.

God Almighty.