Bits and BOOMS

Aw, man. I was super hungry today.

And you know that if I say that I was super hungry, it’s gotta be a lot more hungry than any of you could possibly imagine. I’m God. I’m eternity. I’m everywhere. So, when this tummy gets to rumbling, the ramifications are indubitably palpable.

Southern California can attest to that. My tummy was in Los Angeles this morning when I suddenly got a hankerin’ for a burrito. Don’t ask Me what it was doing in SoCal while the rest of Me was 3,000 miles away in Sarasota (see my last entry for clarification). That’s one of the occupational hazards of being omnipresent. Bits of Me end up all over the place. It can be rather perilous, really. For instance, about 5,000 years ago My spleen fell to Earth. Woops! Good-bye dinosaurs. Fun while it lasted.

See what I mean? Precarious!

It also doesn’t help that the Holy Ghost is a bit of a trickster. He thinks it’s funny to hide things from time to time, without care of the consequences that can be reaped from his little jibes. For instance, the morning of the eighth day, after I rested, I woke up in a bathtub full of ice, a tube poking out My back and a note scrawled in sienna-mahogany lipstick on My chest, which read, “I’ve taken one of Your kidneys. Call 911 or you will die.”

I instantly knew it was the Holy Ghost because He’s an autumn and the only one in Heaven at the time who could pull off that shade of lipstick.

Well I did not call 911, I tell you what. I found that little shiite and I poured seven golden vials of My wrath all over His wispy butt (read: I peed on Him...a lot. A fitting punishment seeing as He took one of My God-damn kidneys) until He told Me where My kidney was. It ends up that He hid it amongst the fruit of the tree of knowledge.

Aw HELL no!

So there I was, all groggy cuz I had just woken up from a well-deserved nappy-nap (I had just finished intelligently designing everything, after all). And now I gotta root through the Tree of Knowledge looking for My freakin’ kidney?!? I mean, Jesus! Being God is kinda weird if you think about it.

Anyway, I wasn’t really feeling up to the task of looking for My kidney just then. It was first thing in the morning and I was hungry. I was more interested in intelligently designing Myself up a bowl of Wheaties. So I told Adam and Eve (stupid dummy faces) NOT to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. I mean, I wouldn’t want them to bite into what looks like a handful of juicy-awesomeness only to get all grossed out because it turned out to be holy viscera. That’s just rude. Could you imagine the damage that would be done to someone's psyche if they found out that they ate God?!? That could scar someone for life! Really mess some people up.

Well, I think you know the rest. They didn’t listen. They freaking did it anyway. And while they didn’t eat My kidney (thank God) I was still pretty pissed at them for disobeying a direct order. So I made them feel all self-conscious by telling them they looked funny naked.

Well, it didn’t end there. I found out that the Holy Spirit hid a lot of My stuff in the Garden of Eden, including My extremely extensive collection of...umm...erotic...literat...

Alright! It was porn! I’ll admit it! I had an extensive collection of porn! I’m not ashamed!

I was, however, ashamed at the time. Whatever! Anyway, I didn’t want Adam and Eve to find any of my other stuff, especially the porn, and I knew that if I told them not to go looking for it they’d do it anyway, so I kicked them out and told them to go learn farming.

All because of my freaking kidney.

So, yeah...being omnipresent isn’t necessarily a great thing. Sometimes it can have some severe repercussions. But, you know, someone’s gotta do it. May as well be Me. I am, after all, the best-equipped for the job.

Right now, however, I’m going to omnipresent Myself to a lawn chair on Venice Beach and intelligently design Myself up a mojito.

Heh...just kidding. I’ll make the Holy Spirit divinely inspire a waiter to bring Me one.

Heh...just kidding again. I’ll just order one.

See! It’s not just the Holy Spirit who’s got a sense of humor.

Lift up your hearts!

God Almighty