A Much Needed Vacation

Peace be with you.

Hey everybody! It's Me. Your Lord and creator, God. How are you?

Yeah...don't bother answering that. I already know.

Uugggghhhh! It feels soooooooooo good to get a break! You know what I mean? There's that really light sensation that you get all the way in the soles of your feet when you finally get the opportunity to put them up after toiling on them for SIXTY-FIVE HUNDRED YEARS (give or take). You know what I'm talking about, right?

Well, you probably don't. Just imagine what it feels like when you finally get a decent, well-deserved vacation and multiply it by, I don't know, a ba-thousand or something.

Or forty cubits.

Something like that. I was never really good at math. Whatever.

Anyhoo...I suppose I should let you know that I won't be all-that-omnipresent for the foreseeable future. I'm chillin' down here in Sarasota with all the other old Jews, giving myself a much needed vacation. While I'm taking time off from the rat race of being all infinite and almighty I thought I'd keep in touch with y'all vis-a-vis this whole blog phenomenon (which, by the way, I intelligently designed...you're welcome). So fear not (but DO continue to fear Me), all of the Abrahamaic religions that extol the awesome of Me will continue to run just as smoothly as they always have. It's just that your ol' Papa G needed to get his relax on. That's all.

I gotta wrap this up. I got a bachi ball game to pwnz in a few minutes. I just wanted to drop a quick line to command that you don't lose faith, continue to fear the LAKE OF FIRE and keep those prayers rolling in.

Your prayers are God's food.

Lift up your hearts,

God Almighty

P.S. - I almost forgot! Duh! While I'm on vacation you're gonna get my out-of-office notification the first time you pray to me. Don't be alarmed!!! It's just there to let you know that your prayers are being taken in the order that they're first received by the Seraphim I left in charge. You're in good hands. I have faith in that. And we all know...faith is all you need.

The following is my out-of-office message, just so you're prepared when you receive it.

************************************

[obj:OOOfice]

Dear [macro1:NameOfFaithful(first)],

Peace be with you.

I have received your prayer. Thank you for continuing to support your Lord and creator, Me: God Almighty! I love you, [macro1:NameOfFaithful(first)]. You are special and unique, and I will always remember your unquestioning faithfulness to [macro2:NameOfBeliefSystem].

[Go to 10]

10: If "Christian", go to 20.
15: If not "Christian", go to 30.
20: Echo: Bless you in Jesus' name.
25: Go to 75.
30: If "Muslim", go to 40.
35: If not "Muslim", go to 50.
40: Echo: Allahu ackbar!
45: Go to 75.
50: If "Jewish", go to 60.
55: If not "Jewish", go to 70.
60: Echo: You never call! You never write!
65: Go to 75.
70: If atheist, go to HELL AND BURN IN THE LAKE OF FIRE!
75: Proceed with [obj:OOOfice).

I am away on vacation. As your prayer is as unique and special as you are [macro1:NameOfFaithful(first)], I have left Heaven in the hands of my most capable assistant, Steve. He will get to your prayer at his most urgent convenience. In the mean time, I bless you and keep you. Lo, though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, refrain from taking a look at your life and realizing that there's nothing left.

Lift up your heart,

God Almighty