You guys. You have NO idea how crazy it's been up in this beeyotch.
Seriously.
I know it's been a while, My children, but it's been freaking weird. I'm not kidding.
If I was kidding, you'd know it. I'd all be, like, "Hi! I'm God! Kill your kid!"
And you'd be all like, "Uhhhhh...I don't really want to, Yo."
And then I'd go, "Uhhhhh...you have no choice. I'm God. Now get with the babycide, sucka!"
And then you'd go to an altar and put your baby all up ons and just before you shiv little Isaac (or Ishmael...if you like to blow yourself up in My name), I'd be all like, "PSYCHE! Awwww, SNAP! You just got PUNK'd, son! Awwwww yeeeeeah! You were all gonna kill your baby boy, cuz! Waitaminute...waitaminute! Where's Ashton? I need him to get a shot of the look on your face. SNAP!"
Yeah. I'm not kidding, y'all. These last few months were WACK!
I got arrested.
Now before you all start in with the, "WOOOOO! God got arrested! The infallible got fingered by the po-pos, which means we can go out and do all sorts of breaking of the only three of the Ten Commandments that actually inform our legal system," I warn you, I will totally shove nine-kinds of perdition up your tiny hineys if you take this story as a cue to start sodomizing or gamorating all over the place.
And trust Me: After spending three months in county lock-up in the Southern US, I have witnessed some really creative ways of shoving perdition up tiny hineys.
Fo shizzle.
No. Me getting arrested was all part of My divine, finely tuned and intelligent design. If you haven't noticed yet, I work in mysterious ways. One way in which I've chosen to work mysteriously is by really trying to understand the sinner's heart. What better place and time to do that than in prison during My vacation, right?
Pretty mysterious, no? All part of the plan.
Another part of the plan is to allow babies to be born with cancer and not healing amputees. But I'll explain all that another time...if I freaking feel like it!
I won't get into the details of My sojourn in the slammer or how I got there. What I will do, however, is pass on the ineffable wisdom I gained during My time in the big house (although, My Big House is a whole lot bigger; it's called HELL, and instead of cable you get LAKE OF FIRE). I need to warn you that this is all pretty rough. I haven't run it by My editors or anything. But, if it plays, I'm thinking of adding amendments to the Ten Commandments to cover these simple truths I've unearthed in these past few months. Who knows (except Me)? Maybe these'll show up in the New Testament 2.0 (still working on that title).
Ten Commandments from the Book of Incarceration
1) Thou shouldst know, if thou gets pulleth'd o'er whilst speeding in a rented Enzo with a hooker and a key of blow, if thine hooker is a narc...and a dude.
2) Thou shalt never rent a Ferrari with optional GPS.
3) Thou hast the right to remain silent. Anything thou sayest can and will be used against thee in a court of law. Thou shalt not take that to mean that thou canst wordlessly throw thine own feces in the face of thine arresting officer and not expect that feces to be admitted as evidence.
4) Thou shalt always carry wet-naps. Just a good rule of thumb.
5) When faced with thine accuser, thou shalt not claim to be the Judge of Judges before thou tosseth more feces, especially when without wet-nap.
6) Speedy trials are for suckers. Thou shalt allow time to let thine swerve to wear off.
7) When sentenced to gen-pop, thou shalt not remind thine fellow incarcerated that, as the Judge of Judges, thou art the ultimate reason they are there.
8) Thou shalt just relax. Fighting only makes it hurt more.
9) Thou shalt befriend the individual with the scariest neck tattoos.
10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass.
1) Thou shouldst know, if thou gets pulleth'd o'er whilst speeding in a rented Enzo with a hooker and a key of blow, if thine hooker is a narc...and a dude.
2) Thou shalt never rent a Ferrari with optional GPS.
3) Thou hast the right to remain silent. Anything thou sayest can and will be used against thee in a court of law. Thou shalt not take that to mean that thou canst wordlessly throw thine own feces in the face of thine arresting officer and not expect that feces to be admitted as evidence.
4) Thou shalt always carry wet-naps. Just a good rule of thumb.
5) When faced with thine accuser, thou shalt not claim to be the Judge of Judges before thou tosseth more feces, especially when without wet-nap.
6) Speedy trials are for suckers. Thou shalt allow time to let thine swerve to wear off.
7) When sentenced to gen-pop, thou shalt not remind thine fellow incarcerated that, as the Judge of Judges, thou art the ultimate reason they are there.
8) Thou shalt just relax. Fighting only makes it hurt more.
9) Thou shalt befriend the individual with the scariest neck tattoos.
10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass.
There you have it. What I learned (but really already knew because, hey...I'm God) over these last few months. I'm back now. Hopefully I can keep up with this whole blog thing for the duration of My vacation. Who knows though (other than Me)? I have another mysterious plan to get abducted by Somali pirates, so I may disappear again in the near future.
I have a burning interest in pirates now.
Life up your hearts.
God Almighty
Post - I just want to give a shout out to all My dawgs in C Bloc: Skeet-G, Lay-low, D.Z.N., Bruce, Jerzey Juice and to My homey Lucian. I'm droppin' some 40 on the curb for you.
PEACE!
I have a burning interest in pirates now.
Life up your hearts.
God Almighty
Post - I just want to give a shout out to all My dawgs in C Bloc: Skeet-G, Lay-low, D.Z.N., Bruce, Jerzey Juice and to My homey Lucian. I'm droppin' some 40 on the curb for you.
PEACE!
