Heaven is the Head... (Chapter I)

Dag, y'all! My Blackberry has been off the CHAIN lately.

I know, My children, that your prayers haven't been answered with the expedience that they normally are. There's been a bit of a backlog in My absence. They say, "delegate or die", which is exactly what I did. Delegate, that is...not die. I'm God. I can't die. I'm eternity. I'm also right behind you!

Ha! Made you look!

No, seriously...I am right behind you. I also think you should take that ridiculous thing out of your body. That's just...weird. And probably a sin. I'll check on that.

Anyway, while they say, "delegate or die", they also say, "if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself." Before I left for My vacation I outsourced all prayers offered to Me to My capable assistant, Steve, and his eager team of angelic CSRs (Certified Seraphic Representatives). I did so as I was totally under the impression that They could handle it for several reasons.

First: I do not, nor have I ever (with few exceptions) answered the prayers offered up to saints or angels. Not My responsibility! While I've acted as consult on prayers offered to St. Francis, St. Peter, St. Michael, St. George, St. John's Wort and Santa Claus, et al, these are action items that rarely, if ever, cross My desk. No problems there.

By the way - I was joking about the St. John's Wort. Not Santa Claus, though. Santa Claus was a Turkish bishop. He is the patron saint of children, pawnbrokers and the falsely accused. St. John's Wort is an herb.

Second: I've created a rule for My inbox that forwards along any prayers offered to Me in Jesus' or Mohammed's name to them. While I am Cc'd on these, I always let those two Guys take care of these prayers, if They've got the stones or the motivation to do anything about them. Don't get Me started on Those Two Clowns. More on Them later, if I'm in the right mood.

Third: "Hail Marys" go to Mary. Always have. Always will.

Fourth: Requests of forgiveness through Acts of Contrition are IMMEDIATELY granted. Always have been. Always will be. This was one of My more-brilliant forms of delegation, if I do say so Myself.

Fifth: I've set up a filter that parses each prayer, looks for certain keywords, sources and intents and, if applicable, sends the prayer along to an appropriate auto-responder. This catches menial requests, such as "give me wealth and a 10-inch penis", as well as prayers from non-tithers, 11th-hour believers and homosexuals.

While each auto response is custom-tailored and intelligently designed for myriad prayers, the message is pretty universal. Eyes of needles and LAKE OF FIRE is a common theme throughout.

Finally: Steve has been My faithful assistant from the beginning. It's a little-known fact (not that you ever need something so base and evil as fact. In fact, so abhorrent is that word to My eye that it is from henceforth banned from My blog. Fact will from now on be replaced with the word faith) but Steve has been there with Me since just after the beginning. He's one of the first things I intelligently designed. As a matter of faith, I originally wrote Genesis 1:1 as, "In the beginning, God created the Heavens, the Earth and Steve," but, being the paragon of humility and meekness that He is (Steve will most definitely inherit the Earth), Steve chose to remain anonymous and be omitted from the Scripture.

God bless Steve.

Anyway, despite this careful preparation ere My departure, I must have been deceived somehow in the astronomical amount of prayers I field at any given time, because Steve and his CSRs have been unnaturally inundated with valid prayers offered directly to Me asking for truly pious and heartfelt guidance and boons. Steve and the CSRs just can't keep up!

What happened? Have things really fallen apart since I descended to Florida? I would think that Florida, if anything, would be a litmus or early-warning system for when the fit hits the shan, so to speak. Or do I really take on this many dire and mission-critical requests on a daily basis?

At any rate, I haven't been relaxing much lately as I've been taking the overflow prayers that Steve and His CSRs cannot answer. My vacation has been mired and may need to be cut short because of this.

I have no need to ask you of anything. I'm God. I simply intelligently design what I want. But I will command this: I know that your prayers are My food, but if you're thinking about praying tonight, do Me a favor? Just don't! I got enough on My plate. Just give Me a break. Maybe then I can salvage what's left of My vacation and perhaps restore Steve's sanity from the shambles you have all made it.

I have more to say on this, but I haven't the time. I gotta answer prayers on My God-damn vacation. Just know this: If I receive one "Now I lay me down to sleep" on My Blackberry tonight, consider it a cold, hard faith that your soul I will arrive to take.

And you won't even need to pray on it.

Lift up your hearts.

God Almighty

P.S. - The title of this blog entry is not a typo. I intelligently designed it that way. While the intent is "Heavy is the Head...", I thought that "Heaven is the Head" is much more witty.

Funny, yeah? I'm so glad that I intelligently designed comedy.

Hallelujah!