(If you haven't read it yet, please read Chapter I of this rant)
Peace be with you.
Seriously! Peace be with you.
I've been accused of being something of a micro manager and control freak in the past. And, while this used to be true, I think I've made significant strides in letting the little things go over the past, oh...4,324 years, give or take. Sure, there have been fits and starts since The Flood wherein I've been more hands-on than I'd like to be but, for the most part, I've been pretty laissez-faire about dealing with the minutiae of this creation. What I intelligently designed is a finely tuned machine that is irreducibly complex. So it should pretty much run on its own with very little divine intervention from Me, right?
NO, I say to thee! It wasn't intelligently designed to function in the absence of Me. Without My, albeit periodic, divine intervention and your undying faith in My works and/or fear of the LAKE OF FIRE this creation will deteriorate into chaos, immorality and golden statues.
Trust Me. I've seen it happen. I then peed on it for 40 days and 40 nights. You don't want that! It's...not...PRETTY!
But really...that's all it needs. Faith and/or fear. That's why I wrote the Holy Scripture. I wrote it so you would have a corporeal guide and I can step back and marvel at everything I've intelligently designed in peace without having to come running every time someone stubs their toe and screams, "God DAMMIT!"
Little known faith: That's why I wrote the Second (or Third, depending on your...whatever...I can hardly keep track) Commandment. See...every time you call on Me, I gotta be there. I hafta. So when you stub your toe and damn it in My name, I'm there instantly ready to damn your toe to eternal hellfire because you were stupid enough to pop it on the leg of your coffee table.
Now...I'm a busy Guy. Sometimes you people have a tendency to call on Me when you do something as stupid as stub your toe. I'm too busy for that ass-holery. Yeah...I said ass. I can curse. You can't. I'm God. You're My intelligent design. Start speaking like you're intelligent and STOP USING MY NAME IN VAIN!!!
And stop coveting your neighbor's ass!
You really have no idea just how difficult My job is. You think you might but, honestly, your four-dimensional minds have no capacity for conceiving, let alone understanding, eternity. That's why I intelligently designed for you faith. You don't need to think or conceive. You can just let Me do all the thinking and conceiving for you. Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that perfect?
And yet, every now and then, I'm forced to drop everything I'm doing and march down to your puny level just because you need a little something more than just faith. And, in faith, I'm kinda getting sick of it.
Yeah...look. I'm tired. I'm kinda venting, I know. It's just that I'm supposed to be on My vacation and I...I need you to understand that everything there is, everything you desire, is right there in the Bible (or the Qur'an, if you're one of those types...or the Torah if you want the CliffsNotes). I'm not kidding! I wrote those books for a reason! Are you, like, illiterate or something? It's all...right...there.
So why in God's name are you pestering Me so diligently, on My vacation I might add, with all these severe and honest requests for deliverance from evil? I swear (not just the ass swearing...but honest-to-goodness swearing) I haven't had this many prayers since ass-clown died for your sins!
And I set up a freaking FILTER!
Look...here it is: I don't want to get all micro management on y'all, but I will if I have to. All I really want is to enjoy Myself down here in Sarasota. But if you really think it's all that bad...if you really think it sucks this much to be alive...I'll shake'n'bake this creation so quick, you won't even be able to finish the thought, "...and I helped- OH GOD! MY FACE! IT'S MELTING OFF!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING!!!! BUT IT IS!!! IT'S MEL-"
And then you'll be dead, in My realm, where I will judge you and cast you into an eternal LAKE OF FIRE because you broke the Second (or Third) Commandment just before you died.
Dumb ass!
Seriously, stop praying for now. As I've mentioned a couple of times before, your prayers are My food. But right now, "...My cup runneth over" with your tedious crap.
Lift up your hearts.
God Almighty.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Heaven is the Head... (Chapter I)
Dag, y'all! My Blackberry has been off the CHAIN lately.
I know, My children, that your prayers haven't been answered with the expedience that they normally are. There's been a bit of a backlog in My absence. They say, "delegate or die", which is exactly what I did. Delegate, that is...not die. I'm God. I can't die. I'm eternity. I'm also right behind you!
Ha! Made you look!
No, seriously...I am right behind you. I also think you should take that ridiculous thing out of your body. That's just...weird. And probably a sin. I'll check on that.
Anyway, while they say, "delegate or die", they also say, "if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself." Before I left for My vacation I outsourced all prayers offered to Me to My capable assistant, Steve, and his eager team of angelic CSRs (Certified Seraphic Representatives). I did so as I was totally under the impression that They could handle it for several reasons.
First: I do not, nor have I ever (with few exceptions) answered the prayers offered up to saints or angels. Not My responsibility! While I've acted as consult on prayers offered to St. Francis, St. Peter, St. Michael, St. George, St. John's Wort and Santa Claus, et al, these are action items that rarely, if ever, cross My desk. No problems there.
By the way - I was joking about the St. John's Wort. Not Santa Claus, though. Santa Claus was a Turkish bishop. He is the patron saint of children, pawnbrokers and the falsely accused. St. John's Wort is an herb.
Second: I've created a rule for My inbox that forwards along any prayers offered to Me in Jesus' or Mohammed's name to them. While I am Cc'd on these, I always let those two Guys take care of these prayers, if They've got the stones or the motivation to do anything about them. Don't get Me started on Those Two Clowns. More on Them later, if I'm in the right mood.
Third: "Hail Marys" go to Mary. Always have. Always will.
Fourth: Requests of forgiveness through Acts of Contrition are IMMEDIATELY granted. Always have been. Always will be. This was one of My more-brilliant forms of delegation, if I do say so Myself.
Fifth: I've set up a filter that parses each prayer, looks for certain keywords, sources and intents and, if applicable, sends the prayer along to an appropriate auto-responder. This catches menial requests, such as "give me wealth and a 10-inch penis", as well as prayers from non-tithers, 11th-hour believers and homosexuals.
While each auto response is custom-tailored and intelligently designed for myriad prayers, the message is pretty universal. Eyes of needles and LAKE OF FIRE is a common theme throughout.
Finally: Steve has been My faithful assistant from the beginning. It's a little-known fact (not that you ever need something so base and evil as fact. In fact, so abhorrent is that word to My eye that it is from henceforth banned from My blog. Fact will from now on be replaced with the word faith) but Steve has been there with Me since just after the beginning. He's one of the first things I intelligently designed. As a matter of faith, I originally wrote Genesis 1:1 as, "In the beginning, God created the Heavens, the Earth and Steve," but, being the paragon of humility and meekness that He is (Steve will most definitely inherit the Earth), Steve chose to remain anonymous and be omitted from the Scripture.
God bless Steve.
Anyway, despite this careful preparation ere My departure, I must have been deceived somehow in the astronomical amount of prayers I field at any given time, because Steve and his CSRs have been unnaturally inundated with valid prayers offered directly to Me asking for truly pious and heartfelt guidance and boons. Steve and the CSRs just can't keep up!
What happened? Have things really fallen apart since I descended to Florida? I would think that Florida, if anything, would be a litmus or early-warning system for when the fit hits the shan, so to speak. Or do I really take on this many dire and mission-critical requests on a daily basis?
At any rate, I haven't been relaxing much lately as I've been taking the overflow prayers that Steve and His CSRs cannot answer. My vacation has been mired and may need to be cut short because of this.
I have no need to ask you of anything. I'm God. I simply intelligently design what I want. But I will command this: I know that your prayers are My food, but if you're thinking about praying tonight, do Me a favor? Just don't! I got enough on My plate. Just give Me a break. Maybe then I can salvage what's left of My vacation and perhaps restore Steve's sanity from the shambles you have all made it.
I have more to say on this, but I haven't the time. I gotta answer prayers on My God-damn vacation. Just know this: If I receive one "Now I lay me down to sleep" on My Blackberry tonight, consider it a cold, hard faith that your soul I will arrive to take.
And you won't even need to pray on it.
Lift up your hearts.
God Almighty
P.S. - The title of this blog entry is not a typo. I intelligently designed it that way. While the intent is "Heavy is the Head...", I thought that "Heaven is the Head" is much more witty.
Funny, yeah? I'm so glad that I intelligently designed comedy.
Hallelujah!
I know, My children, that your prayers haven't been answered with the expedience that they normally are. There's been a bit of a backlog in My absence. They say, "delegate or die", which is exactly what I did. Delegate, that is...not die. I'm God. I can't die. I'm eternity. I'm also right behind you!
Ha! Made you look!
No, seriously...I am right behind you. I also think you should take that ridiculous thing out of your body. That's just...weird. And probably a sin. I'll check on that.
Anyway, while they say, "delegate or die", they also say, "if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself." Before I left for My vacation I outsourced all prayers offered to Me to My capable assistant, Steve, and his eager team of angelic CSRs (Certified Seraphic Representatives). I did so as I was totally under the impression that They could handle it for several reasons.
First: I do not, nor have I ever (with few exceptions) answered the prayers offered up to saints or angels. Not My responsibility! While I've acted as consult on prayers offered to St. Francis, St. Peter, St. Michael, St. George, St. John's Wort and Santa Claus, et al, these are action items that rarely, if ever, cross My desk. No problems there.
By the way - I was joking about the St. John's Wort. Not Santa Claus, though. Santa Claus was a Turkish bishop. He is the patron saint of children, pawnbrokers and the falsely accused. St. John's Wort is an herb.
Second: I've created a rule for My inbox that forwards along any prayers offered to Me in Jesus' or Mohammed's name to them. While I am Cc'd on these, I always let those two Guys take care of these prayers, if They've got the stones or the motivation to do anything about them. Don't get Me started on Those Two Clowns. More on Them later, if I'm in the right mood.
Third: "Hail Marys" go to Mary. Always have. Always will.
Fourth: Requests of forgiveness through Acts of Contrition are IMMEDIATELY granted. Always have been. Always will be. This was one of My more-brilliant forms of delegation, if I do say so Myself.
Fifth: I've set up a filter that parses each prayer, looks for certain keywords, sources and intents and, if applicable, sends the prayer along to an appropriate auto-responder. This catches menial requests, such as "give me wealth and a 10-inch penis", as well as prayers from non-tithers, 11th-hour believers and homosexuals.
While each auto response is custom-tailored and intelligently designed for myriad prayers, the message is pretty universal. Eyes of needles and LAKE OF FIRE is a common theme throughout.
Finally: Steve has been My faithful assistant from the beginning. It's a little-known fact (not that you ever need something so base and evil as fact. In fact, so abhorrent is that word to My eye that it is from henceforth banned from My blog. Fact will from now on be replaced with the word faith) but Steve has been there with Me since just after the beginning. He's one of the first things I intelligently designed. As a matter of faith, I originally wrote Genesis 1:1 as, "In the beginning, God created the Heavens, the Earth and Steve," but, being the paragon of humility and meekness that He is (Steve will most definitely inherit the Earth), Steve chose to remain anonymous and be omitted from the Scripture.
God bless Steve.
Anyway, despite this careful preparation ere My departure, I must have been deceived somehow in the astronomical amount of prayers I field at any given time, because Steve and his CSRs have been unnaturally inundated with valid prayers offered directly to Me asking for truly pious and heartfelt guidance and boons. Steve and the CSRs just can't keep up!
What happened? Have things really fallen apart since I descended to Florida? I would think that Florida, if anything, would be a litmus or early-warning system for when the fit hits the shan, so to speak. Or do I really take on this many dire and mission-critical requests on a daily basis?
At any rate, I haven't been relaxing much lately as I've been taking the overflow prayers that Steve and His CSRs cannot answer. My vacation has been mired and may need to be cut short because of this.
I have no need to ask you of anything. I'm God. I simply intelligently design what I want. But I will command this: I know that your prayers are My food, but if you're thinking about praying tonight, do Me a favor? Just don't! I got enough on My plate. Just give Me a break. Maybe then I can salvage what's left of My vacation and perhaps restore Steve's sanity from the shambles you have all made it.
I have more to say on this, but I haven't the time. I gotta answer prayers on My God-damn vacation. Just know this: If I receive one "Now I lay me down to sleep" on My Blackberry tonight, consider it a cold, hard faith that your soul I will arrive to take.
And you won't even need to pray on it.
Lift up your hearts.
God Almighty
P.S. - The title of this blog entry is not a typo. I intelligently designed it that way. While the intent is "Heavy is the Head...", I thought that "Heaven is the Head" is much more witty.
Funny, yeah? I'm so glad that I intelligently designed comedy.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Bits and BOOMS
Aw, man. I was super hungry today.
And you know that if I say that I was super hungry, it’s gotta be a lot more hungry than any of you could possibly imagine. I’m God. I’m eternity. I’m everywhere. So, when this tummy gets to rumbling, the ramifications are indubitably palpable.
Southern California can attest to that. My tummy was in Los Angeles this morning when I suddenly got a hankerin’ for a burrito. Don’t ask Me what it was doing in SoCal while the rest of Me was 3,000 miles away in Sarasota (see my last entry for clarification). That’s one of the occupational hazards of being omnipresent. Bits of Me end up all over the place. It can be rather perilous, really. For instance, about 5,000 years ago My spleen fell to Earth. Woops! Good-bye dinosaurs. Fun while it lasted.
See what I mean? Precarious!
It also doesn’t help that the Holy Ghost is a bit of a trickster. He thinks it’s funny to hide things from time to time, without care of the consequences that can be reaped from his little jibes. For instance, the morning of the eighth day, after I rested, I woke up in a bathtub full of ice, a tube poking out My back and a note scrawled in sienna-mahogany lipstick on My chest, which read, “I’ve taken one of Your kidneys. Call 911 or you will die.”
I instantly knew it was the Holy Ghost because He’s an autumn and the only one in Heaven at the time who could pull off that shade of lipstick.
Well I did not call 911, I tell you what. I found that little shiite and I poured seven golden vials of My wrath all over His wispy butt (read: I peed on Him...a lot. A fitting punishment seeing as He took one of My God-damn kidneys) until He told Me where My kidney was. It ends up that He hid it amongst the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
Aw HELL no!
So there I was, all groggy cuz I had just woken up from a well-deserved nappy-nap (I had just finished intelligently designing everything, after all). And now I gotta root through the Tree of Knowledge looking for My freakin’ kidney?!? I mean, Jesus! Being God is kinda weird if you think about it.
Anyway, I wasn’t really feeling up to the task of looking for My kidney just then. It was first thing in the morning and I was hungry. I was more interested in intelligently designing Myself up a bowl of Wheaties. So I told Adam and Eve (stupid dummy faces) NOT to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. I mean, I wouldn’t want them to bite into what looks like a handful of juicy-awesomeness only to get all grossed out because it turned out to be holy viscera. That’s just rude. Could you imagine the damage that would be done to someone's psyche if they found out that they ate God?!? That could scar someone for life! Really mess some people up.
Well, I think you know the rest. They didn’t listen. They freaking did it anyway. And while they didn’t eat My kidney (thank God) I was still pretty pissed at them for disobeying a direct order. So I made them feel all self-conscious by telling them they looked funny naked.
Well, it didn’t end there. I found out that the Holy Spirit hid a lot of My stuff in the Garden of Eden, including My extremely extensive collection of...umm...erotic...literat...
Alright! It was porn! I’ll admit it! I had an extensive collection of porn! I’m not ashamed!
I was, however, ashamed at the time. Whatever! Anyway, I didn’t want Adam and Eve to find any of my other stuff, especially the porn, and I knew that if I told them not to go looking for it they’d do it anyway, so I kicked them out and told them to go learn farming.
All because of my freaking kidney.
So, yeah...being omnipresent isn’t necessarily a great thing. Sometimes it can have some severe repercussions. But, you know, someone’s gotta do it. May as well be Me. I am, after all, the best-equipped for the job.
Right now, however, I’m going to omnipresent Myself to a lawn chair on Venice Beach and intelligently design Myself up a mojito.
Heh...just kidding. I’ll make the Holy Spirit divinely inspire a waiter to bring Me one.
Heh...just kidding again. I’ll just order one.
See! It’s not just the Holy Spirit who’s got a sense of humor.
Lift up your hearts!
God Almighty
And you know that if I say that I was super hungry, it’s gotta be a lot more hungry than any of you could possibly imagine. I’m God. I’m eternity. I’m everywhere. So, when this tummy gets to rumbling, the ramifications are indubitably palpable.
Southern California can attest to that. My tummy was in Los Angeles this morning when I suddenly got a hankerin’ for a burrito. Don’t ask Me what it was doing in SoCal while the rest of Me was 3,000 miles away in Sarasota (see my last entry for clarification). That’s one of the occupational hazards of being omnipresent. Bits of Me end up all over the place. It can be rather perilous, really. For instance, about 5,000 years ago My spleen fell to Earth. Woops! Good-bye dinosaurs. Fun while it lasted.
See what I mean? Precarious!
It also doesn’t help that the Holy Ghost is a bit of a trickster. He thinks it’s funny to hide things from time to time, without care of the consequences that can be reaped from his little jibes. For instance, the morning of the eighth day, after I rested, I woke up in a bathtub full of ice, a tube poking out My back and a note scrawled in sienna-mahogany lipstick on My chest, which read, “I’ve taken one of Your kidneys. Call 911 or you will die.”
I instantly knew it was the Holy Ghost because He’s an autumn and the only one in Heaven at the time who could pull off that shade of lipstick.
Well I did not call 911, I tell you what. I found that little shiite and I poured seven golden vials of My wrath all over His wispy butt (read: I peed on Him...a lot. A fitting punishment seeing as He took one of My God-damn kidneys) until He told Me where My kidney was. It ends up that He hid it amongst the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
Aw HELL no!
So there I was, all groggy cuz I had just woken up from a well-deserved nappy-nap (I had just finished intelligently designing everything, after all). And now I gotta root through the Tree of Knowledge looking for My freakin’ kidney?!? I mean, Jesus! Being God is kinda weird if you think about it.
Anyway, I wasn’t really feeling up to the task of looking for My kidney just then. It was first thing in the morning and I was hungry. I was more interested in intelligently designing Myself up a bowl of Wheaties. So I told Adam and Eve (stupid dummy faces) NOT to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. I mean, I wouldn’t want them to bite into what looks like a handful of juicy-awesomeness only to get all grossed out because it turned out to be holy viscera. That’s just rude. Could you imagine the damage that would be done to someone's psyche if they found out that they ate God?!? That could scar someone for life! Really mess some people up.
Well, I think you know the rest. They didn’t listen. They freaking did it anyway. And while they didn’t eat My kidney (thank God) I was still pretty pissed at them for disobeying a direct order. So I made them feel all self-conscious by telling them they looked funny naked.
Well, it didn’t end there. I found out that the Holy Spirit hid a lot of My stuff in the Garden of Eden, including My extremely extensive collection of...umm...erotic...literat...
Alright! It was porn! I’ll admit it! I had an extensive collection of porn! I’m not ashamed!
I was, however, ashamed at the time. Whatever! Anyway, I didn’t want Adam and Eve to find any of my other stuff, especially the porn, and I knew that if I told them not to go looking for it they’d do it anyway, so I kicked them out and told them to go learn farming.
All because of my freaking kidney.
So, yeah...being omnipresent isn’t necessarily a great thing. Sometimes it can have some severe repercussions. But, you know, someone’s gotta do it. May as well be Me. I am, after all, the best-equipped for the job.
Right now, however, I’m going to omnipresent Myself to a lawn chair on Venice Beach and intelligently design Myself up a mojito.
Heh...just kidding. I’ll make the Holy Spirit divinely inspire a waiter to bring Me one.
Heh...just kidding again. I’ll just order one.
See! It’s not just the Holy Spirit who’s got a sense of humor.
Lift up your hearts!
God Almighty
Monday, July 28, 2008
A Much Needed Vacation
Peace be with you.
Hey everybody! It's Me. Your Lord and creator, God. How are you?
Yeah...don't bother answering that. I already know.
Uugggghhhh! It feels soooooooooo good to get a break! You know what I mean? There's that really light sensation that you get all the way in the soles of your feet when you finally get the opportunity to put them up after toiling on them for SIXTY-FIVE HUNDRED YEARS (give or take). You know what I'm talking about, right?
Well, you probably don't. Just imagine what it feels like when you finally get a decent, well-deserved vacation and multiply it by, I don't know, a ba-thousand or something.
Or forty cubits.
Something like that. I was never really good at math. Whatever.
Anyhoo...I suppose I should let you know that I won't be all-that-omnipresent for the foreseeable future. I'm chillin' down here in Sarasota with all the other old Jews, giving myself a much needed vacation. While I'm taking time off from the rat race of being all infinite and almighty I thought I'd keep in touch with y'all vis-a-vis this whole blog phenomenon (which, by the way, I intelligently designed...you're welcome). So fear not (but DO continue to fear Me), all of the Abrahamaic religions that extol the awesome of Me will continue to run just as smoothly as they always have. It's just that your ol' Papa G needed to get his relax on. That's all.
I gotta wrap this up. I got a bachi ball game to pwnz in a few minutes. I just wanted to drop a quick line to command that you don't lose faith, continue to fear the LAKE OF FIRE and keep those prayers rolling in.
Your prayers are God's food.
Lift up your hearts,
God Almighty
P.S. - I almost forgot! Duh! While I'm on vacation you're gonna get my out-of-office notification the first time you pray to me. Don't be alarmed!!! It's just there to let you know that your prayers are being taken in the order that they're first received by the Seraphim I left in charge. You're in good hands. I have faith in that. And we all know...faith is all you need.
Hey everybody! It's Me. Your Lord and creator, God. How are you?
Yeah...don't bother answering that. I already know.
Uugggghhhh! It feels soooooooooo good to get a break! You know what I mean? There's that really light sensation that you get all the way in the soles of your feet when you finally get the opportunity to put them up after toiling on them for SIXTY-FIVE HUNDRED YEARS (give or take). You know what I'm talking about, right?
Well, you probably don't. Just imagine what it feels like when you finally get a decent, well-deserved vacation and multiply it by, I don't know, a ba-thousand or something.
Or forty cubits.
Something like that. I was never really good at math. Whatever.
Anyhoo...I suppose I should let you know that I won't be all-that-omnipresent for the foreseeable future. I'm chillin' down here in Sarasota with all the other old Jews, giving myself a much needed vacation. While I'm taking time off from the rat race of being all infinite and almighty I thought I'd keep in touch with y'all vis-a-vis this whole blog phenomenon (which, by the way, I intelligently designed...you're welcome). So fear not (but DO continue to fear Me), all of the Abrahamaic religions that extol the awesome of Me will continue to run just as smoothly as they always have. It's just that your ol' Papa G needed to get his relax on. That's all.
I gotta wrap this up. I got a bachi ball game to pwnz in a few minutes. I just wanted to drop a quick line to command that you don't lose faith, continue to fear the LAKE OF FIRE and keep those prayers rolling in.
Your prayers are God's food.
Lift up your hearts,
God Almighty
P.S. - I almost forgot! Duh! While I'm on vacation you're gonna get my out-of-office notification the first time you pray to me. Don't be alarmed!!! It's just there to let you know that your prayers are being taken in the order that they're first received by the Seraphim I left in charge. You're in good hands. I have faith in that. And we all know...faith is all you need.
The following is my out-of-office message, just so you're prepared when you receive it.
************************************
[obj:OOOfice]
Dear [macro1:NameOfFaithful(first)],
Peace be with you.
[Go to 10]
10: If "Christian", go to 20.
15: If not "Christian", go to 30.
20: Echo: Bless you in Jesus' name.
25: Go to 75.
30: If "Muslim", go to 40.
35: If not "Muslim", go to 50.
40: Echo: Allahu ackbar!
45: Go to 75.
50: If "Jewish", go to 60.
55: If not "Jewish", go to 70.
60: Echo: You never call! You never write!
65: Go to 75.
70: If atheist, go to HELL AND BURN IN THE LAKE OF FIRE!
75: Proceed with [obj:OOOfice).
I am away on vacation. As your prayer is as unique and special as you are [macro1:NameOfFaithful(first)], I have left Heaven in the hands of my most capable assistant, Steve. He will get to your prayer at his most urgent convenience. In the mean time, I bless you and keep you. Lo, though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, refrain from taking a look at your life and realizing that there's nothing left.
Lift up your heart,
God Almighty
Dear [macro1:NameOfFaithful(first)],
Peace be with you.
I have received your prayer. Thank you for continuing to support your Lord and creator, Me: God Almighty! I love you, [macro1:NameOfFaithful(first)]. You are special and unique, and I will always remember your unquestioning faithfulness to [macro2:NameOfBeliefSystem].
[Go to 10]
10: If "Christian", go to 20.
15: If not "Christian", go to 30.
20: Echo: Bless you in Jesus' name.
25: Go to 75.
30: If "Muslim", go to 40.
35: If not "Muslim", go to 50.
40: Echo: Allahu ackbar!
45: Go to 75.
50: If "Jewish", go to 60.
55: If not "Jewish", go to 70.
60: Echo: You never call! You never write!
65: Go to 75.
70: If atheist, go to HELL AND BURN IN THE LAKE OF FIRE!
75: Proceed with [obj:OOOfice).
I am away on vacation. As your prayer is as unique and special as you are [macro1:NameOfFaithful(first)], I have left Heaven in the hands of my most capable assistant, Steve. He will get to your prayer at his most urgent convenience. In the mean time, I bless you and keep you. Lo, though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, refrain from taking a look at your life and realizing that there's nothing left.
Lift up your heart,
God Almighty
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