Payback's a Blech!(OW)

uuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Today...totally hungover.

The clicks of my keyboard sound like cacophonous promises of deliverance and death that are never fulfilled. I know now how cancer patients feel...or Viet Nam vets. The gay ones, at least. I just want to end it all, but I'm bound inexplicably, perhaps by honor or pride or some fleeting hope, to fight it. Perhaps I should just let go. Let it all happen. Perhaps I should...

...OH! Oh God! I feel like I'm gonna boot.

No, God. Chew it back. Breathe. Fists with Your toes.

Water. I need...water. One sec.

I'm back. See? It only took one sec! (OW...Even typing exclamation points hurts. No more exclamation points for the rest of the day, you hear? If you type one...LAKE OF FIRE! [OW])

I'm God, dammit! (OW)

Ugh...I never should have had those last Hornitos Torpedoes. Just...that's when it all fell apart. That's when it all went fuzzy.

And why does my butt hurt?

You know? I'd like to take a moment and talk about Satan.

As you should already know, Satan really tried to pull one over on your ol' pal, God. That...I just...I...lots of umbrage right there. You know? LOTS of umbrage! (OW)

I'd be remiss if I were to just let him punk me like that, right? I'd lose my street cred(insert exclamation point). So you're about to witness, right now, the opening salvo of my viscous counterattack on the Little Horn, Lucifer B. Satan.

Wait...did I just say my counterattack was gonna be viscous? Heh. I totally meant vicious. Errrr...I think I'm still a little drunk. No matter. It wasn't a mistake. It was an intelligent design, albeit a subconscious one. I've planned to hit Lucy viscously anyway. One arm of my strategy is to wait until he utters the words, "I don't know", at which point I'll drop a bucket of green slime on him.

Ha HAAA(exclamation pointage). God rule-

Oh crap...here we go again. (Chewitbackchewitbackchewitback)

All better. I really gotta be careful about that, though. You know what happened the last time I vomited?

Yeah. Chernobyl.

So...yeah. Satan. Boy, have I got stories. Heh. Have I ever. And I'm going to tell you them one at a time. That's gonna be My payback to him for trying to punk me like that. I just want you to know that these stories should in NO WAY alter your fears of the LAKE O FFIRE-rrp. One sec.

K. I think it's passed for good now. Ugh...I should have ordered my eggs over-hard this morning.

Just...just listen up. But keep the fear. That's all I'm saying. Right?

And here we go.

Do you have any idea what Satan's full name is? I've told you that it's Lucifer B. Satan, right? I know that. I'm God, dammit. I know all. But do you know what the "B" stands for?

Now I'm pretty sure that you're sitting there thinking, "Well...yeah, God. The 'B' stands for 'Beelzebub'. Easy Jeezy Creezy."

WRONG(exclamation pointalation) It's not Beelzebub. Beelzebub is a linguistic mutation (not that I believe in mutations...that's Evolutionist speak right there) of "Baal Zebub", who is considered a pagan god, also known as "the lord of the flies" or "the lord of feces".

While all very fitting, it's still not true. You see, that pagan god Baal Zebub never actually existed. Not that you need to hear it but NO other god ever existed. I am the one true God. There are no other gods before Me. And, depending on your belief system, Jesus is (not) My Son and/or Mohammad is My prophet.

That clear? Good. Nuff said on that.

Y'all made up Baal Zebub. Well...maybe not you in particular. Humans did, though. And even that was a bit of a fallacy.

You stupid humans and your made up gods. When are you going to learn?

See..."Baal Zebub" is yet another linguistic mutation. It all derived from what I said to Lucifer when he first challenged me for power over Heaven. He all sauntered up to Me and laid down his terms, as if he didn't have a care in the pantheon. I heard him out, as I am a just and merciful Lord. I let him speak his piece, which took ages by the way, and never interrupted him, as I am a just and merciful Lord. I even thought about his proposal. Why?

Yeah...because I'm a just a merciful Lord.

I then looked at him, shook My head and said, "Sheeeeeeeeeit. You're ballsy, bub," before pressing the button under my desk that activates the trap door he just happened to be standing on the entire time, thus damning him to Perdition, where he resides to this day.

From that day forward my Angels told that story around the water cooler. Well, you know how stories get out of hand when you just let them go. After a couple of millennia, the story "mutated" (once again, I don't like that evolutionist term...but I think it works best in this milieu) into Me saying, "Oh(exclamation pointalism) Thou art Beelzebub(exclamation point-of-view) Thou keeper of flies and feces and filth(exclamation Pointer Sisters) Get thee hence from My sight. Unto the bowels of Perdition I damn thee. Thee and thine shalt ne'er gaze 'pon Mine countenance again."

Yeah...horse patootie. I never said that.

Anyway...somehow that story got down to you guys and you ran with it. I tried to stem it but, after a while, the nick name grew on Me. "Beelzebub". It had a ring to it. So I let it stick.

No. His middle name is not Beelzebub. It's Bernard.

HA! (OW) Can you imagine? Bernard! (OW)

How much did he get his ass kicked on the playground in Catholic school? No wonder he was so pissed at me! (OW)

Bernard.

What a fag.

God hates fags.

So there you are, Lucifer Bernard Satan. My opening volley against you and yours. Bring whatever pain you can, cuz I got a million stories about you, and that one was pretty much the tamest.

I hope you're getting your ass kicked in Hell right now.

Oh, God...I gotta lay down. I'm starting to get the spins.

Ooooooh. OOOOOOOOHhhhh, GOD! (OW)

This doesn't look pretty.

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